Going through a divorce is so painful.
The hurt, anger, sadness, fear, and regret—it's a lot—an overwhelming, suffocating amount of emotion to process.
And on top of it all, you have substantial life decisions to make that will impact your future for years.
This guide is here to help you with the roadmap that you SHOULD NOT do when going through a divorce to honor your heart, your kids, and your future self. It won't be easy, but step-by-step, you've got this.
Let’s start!
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Don’t Neglect Your Emotional Health
The end of a marriage can feels like a death in the family - you're grieving the loss of the life and future you thought you'd have. On top of that, this person you loved has hurt you deeply. That's an incredible amount of emotional trauma to withstand. Please be gentle with yourself throughout it.
Give yourself permission to fully feel and process each wave of sadness, fear, regret, and anger as it comes. Let the tears fall, allow yourself space to journal, or talk it out with someone you trust. Consider speaking to a divorce counselor or joining a support group to help guide you. The support will be invaluable right now.
It's also essential to take care of yourself amidst the emotional chaos. Do little things daily that bring comfort—cook your favorite meal, get a massage, or hike in nature. Don't run from the feelings—just meet them with equal doses of tenderness so you emerge whole.
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Don’t Use Your Children as Pawns
If you have children, they must be at the heart of each choice you make as you move forward. This divorce shakes their sense of normalcy, and that can feel devastating to kids. Do everything in your power to limit their suffering.
No matter how angry you may be, please do not criticize your ex in front of the children. Doing so puts them in a heart-wrenching bind and causes immense stress. Always take those conversations out of their earshot.
Provide constant reassurance that they are not at fault here. Let them know this has not changed how much you both love them. Maintain custody routines as best as possible and get them into counseling if you see them struggling.
Your kids' wellbeing must be your true north through this storm. They need your strength and stability now more than ever.
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Don’t Make Impulsive Decisions
It's understandable to want this over with as quickly as possible. The limbo is excruciating; you crave closure so you can move forward. But some decisions cannot be rushed.
Consider significant matters like dividing assets, determining custody arrangements, and financial settlements. Consult thoroughly with your lawyer before signing anything binding or accepting an offer.
When making choices, think beyond the present. How might this affect your life not just today but five or ten years down the road? Envision your future self and make decisions accordingly.
There will likely be times when the process drags on when progress stalls. As frustrating as that is, have patience. Accept that healing and rebuilding take time. The quick fix may appease you now, but you must make choices for your long-term wellbeing.
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Don’t Hide Assets
Sorting through finances can feel vulnerable, especially when tensions are high. You may be tempted to protect assets or hide money so it stays in your hands, but dishonesty will only hurt you down the road.
Do your best to be fully transparent about money by disclosing all accounts, providing accurate records, and following all rules from your lawyer about documentation. Accept that marital property and savings will be divided—fighting dirty will cost far more in legal fees and emotional turmoil.
Approach money conversations with an attitude of dissolving the past peacefully to allow you both to build stable futures. Be cooperative so you can each move forward on steady ground.
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Don’t Badmouth Your Ex
You may be hurt and angry, that's normal. But speaking negatively about your ex with others or on social media almost always backfires. Venting may offer momentary satisfaction, but in the long term, it looks bitter and provokes them to fight back harder.
When you need to process, speak privately with a counselor or trusted friend. They can help you release resentment without fueling more conflict. If your ex comes up in conversation, stay neutral or positive, focusing not on them but on moving forward yourself.
Nothing good comes from harsh words right now, as justified as you may feel in speaking to them. Hold your head high and take the high road.
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Don’t Refuse to Negotiate
Divorce negotiations often devolve into heated arguments and stubbornness. Refusing to budge on issues usually prolongs the process.
Seek compromises that allow you both to feel heard and come out with something meaningful. Identify the few non-negotiables that matter most and be willing to find common ground in other areas.
Stay solution-oriented, thinking about how you can reach resolutions that benefit everyone involved, especially if kids are involved. At a certain point, remember that settling may feel imperfect now but is superior to continuing to fight.
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Don’t Forget About the Long-Term Financial Picture
With so much immediate upheaval, thinking far into the future takes time. But you must, at least financially. The choices you make today will have consequences for years to come.
Consider your needs not just today but 10 or 20 years from now. Account for things like retirement, healthcare costs, and college savings goals. Understand the tax implications of your settlement. Work with professionals to ensure your decisions align with the financial security you'll one day want.
It may feel like all you can do is survive each day as it comes. But know that taking a long view, while challenging, is so important right now. The future you are counting on the current you.
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Don’t Isolate Yourself
The isolation and loneliness of divorce can be crushing. Your instinct may be to retreat from the world for a while. But please, don't go through this alone. It would help if you had support now more than ever.
This is the time to draw your community close—family, friends, and a support group of others experiencing divorce, too. Their strength helps lift you when your own starts to falter. It reminds you that this pain is temporary.
It would help if you also had the guidance of professionals like legal and financial advisors. Divorce impacts so much that having experts at your side is wise.
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Don’t Use Divorce to “Win”
It's tempting to see divorce as a competition - like you need to "win" by getting more money, the house, or custody time. But approaching it that way breeds resentment and keeps you stuck fighting.
Divorce isn't about coming out on top. It's about finding a resolution that allows you both to heal and move forward with your lives. Keep the wellbeing of any kids at the heart of it and aim for compromise that feels fair.
Let go of dwelling on the past and thinking about winning and losing. Instead, look ahead to closing this chapter so you can start fresh in your new life.
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Don’t Rely Solely on Your Lawyer
Your lawyer is crucial for handling legal logistics. But their advice shouldn't be the only perspective you consider. This divorce affects your whole life - finances, emotional health, parenting. It would help if you had a team of experts.
Along with your lawyer, talk to financial planners, therapists, and child psychologists—get input to ensure you're making balanced choices. Educate yourself on the law and your options. Stay involved in shaping the outcome.
Relying on diverse expertise and taking an active role will empower you to navigate this confidently. Don't hand over all your power - you know what's best for your life.
Final Thoughts
Divorce is exhausting. But you are stronger than you know, and brighter days are ahead. Handle matters carefully, lead with your heart, and don't go it alone.
Stay focused on your kids' well-being, take care of yourself, and find a resolution that honors what matters most.
Disclaimer:
The content provided on this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not intended to constitute legal advice. Laws and regulations are complex, frequently subject to change, and may vary depending on jurisdiction. As such, readers should not act upon or rely on any information presented on this blog without first consulting with a qualified and licensed attorney who can address and tailor guidance to your unique legal circumstances.
