You're likely to hear well-meaning friends and family share all kinds of divorce urban legends that may sound reasonable but are far from the truth.
These myths cause many people going through divorce to have the wrong idea of their rights and what can reasonably be expected of them.
They may set unrealistic expectations, prepare themselves for disappointment, or do anything that will only complicate their situation.
We’ll explain the situation for you, and you can go with the facts and hopefully save yourself some divorce drama! So, let’s go...
1. "The Kids Are Always with Mommy"
It’s arguably the most persistent divorce myth in existence. It is often thought that mothers are almost inevitable to be granted custody, and fathers have only occasional visiting rights.
But the days of essentially giving custody preference to mothers are over. The modern courts are gender-equal and concerned with the children's best interests. Custody is determined based on, for example:
- Who has been the primary caregiver for children?
- The psychological connection between each parent and child.
- Each parent’s capability to maintain a stable and supportive home environment.
- The children’s own choice if the children are old enough.
Fathers' chances are just as good as mothers for sole or joint custody if they have worked hard to provide childcare. So don’t expect anything before you divorce it – custody will be determined based on your family's circumstances.
2. "If Your Ex is Nonpayer of Child Support, You Can Deny Visitation Rights"
The expectation is that if the ex falls behind on child support payments, they can reject visitation or remove the children. But that is a lie and could seriously deteriorate your case!
The law separates child support from visitation. Visitation is a privilege for the child, intended for the child’s welfare and connection with both parents.
So you can’t stop someone from seeing them or cut off their custody just because their ex-spouse missed child support payments. Instead, you must dispute the lack of child support by filing the appropriate motions in court – your divorce attorney can assist you in preparing motions for back payments. If you don't allow the kids into your home, it will only make you look like the "bad guy."
3. "Proof of Adultery Means You'll Get Everything in Divorce Court"
You see your husband cheating and it cuts like a sharp sword. : Your initial response might be to "pay them back" by sending them to divorce court dry cleaners.
But adultery doesn’t take a divorce case as much as you think. The court is interested in a balanced verdict - they don’t care whether you fine someone for cheating.
The issue of adultery can be leveraged during negotiations and mediations for topics such as:
- Alimony amounts
- Split of collective assets.
- Other requests by the raped wife.
Yet, it is not enough to ensure that the adulterer is stripped of everything. To have a meaningful impact on the divorce settlement, the affair must be shown to have materially affected finances or children.
Don’t think you have much of a leg up when it comes to your case based on the fact that adultery is a big win. Get your lawyer to construct your defense around the issues you want to resolve.
4. "Divorce Is Infinite Court Battles".
Many of us picture vicious court battles when we consider divorce – heated arguments, pleading, mudslinging, attorney-witch tactics. Spouses are testing the witness box against one another and being questioned on the witness box.
But for most couples, divorce is a much more modest business. Some high-crime situations do, of course, involve copious court trials and depositions. But court appearances in most cases are few.
And why? For a couple of reasons:
- Mediation — it's becoming increasingly prevalent. A neutral, trained mediator will assist couples to settle without a trial.
- In A collaborative divorce, both parties have an attorney trained collaboratively. And outside court, they’re collective bargaining operatives.
- The majority of couples can reach an agreement on most matters without any overbearing court proceedings. Even litigious spouses don’t want to spend time and money fighting it in court.
And so, even if, at times, you do have to stand in front of a judge, your divorce won’t likely turn out to be a life-or-death ordeal.
5. "You Can Hide Money and Assets from Your Ex"
It can be a revenge-filled experience going through a divorce. You might feel your upcoming boyfriend doesn’t deserve the Cabo resort you shared with him, your stocks, or your savings.
So, you can cloak or eviscerate some of your common assets to protect them for yourself after the divorce. And after all, what’s in the dark of your wife’s mind can’t be divided...right?
False - don’t even think about hiding assets or income! It is illegal and immoral to hide assets in the process of divorce.
You might face penalties for omitting to tell the court about money if you are found guilty.
- Penalties and fines of money or other forms.
- Having hidden property sold 100% to your ex.
- Jail for perjury or contempt of court.
- A divorce judgment is hugely unfair to you.
This is NOT worth the danger. : Don’t hide from your divorce attorney so that they can protect your rights legally.
6. "The Assets are Always 50/50 Split"
Many of us think that a married couple who divorces divides everything—wealth, debt, money, everything—between them.
So, it’s best to divide it evenly 50/50 so we can all separate money together. Yet, divorce courts aren’t in the business of dividing assets 50/50 by default.
Instead, they follow the pattern of fair distribution. That’s dividing marital assets equally (though not mathematically identical) fairly, judge-determinedly.
Among the considerations for asset distribution:
- Each spouse’s current and future earnings.
- Money each husband and wife put into real estate.
- Who had children as their primary caretaker?
- Marriage length.
In some situations, an almost even split makes sense. But the real fair deal is usually closer to 60/40 or 70/30. So, don’t think you know how the assets will be split without consulting your divorce attorney.
7. "You'll Lose Half Your Retirement Fund"
Ex-spouses' most pressing concern regarding money is retirement savings. The idea that their nest egg will hit 50% is a myth.
But retirement funds aren’t automatically cut in half. As estates, retirement savings are involved, but their allocation depends on variables such as:
- Total contributions made by each spouse to the accounts over the years.
- If the withdrawals were made for joint marital expenses.
- Getting other assets, such as the home, split.
- Total needed in retirement for each spouse.
Additionally, any premarital pension funds are generally treated as private property of the original owner. So, not every penny of retirement money will be passed between husbands and wives.
Have your retirement plans assessed so that your lawyer can defend you. The impact could be less than you imagine.
8. "The High Income One Pays Spousal Support"
Spousal support - or alimony - is often a hotly contested aspect of divorce. The assumption is that the top-earning spouse will owe the bottom-earner monthly support.
And again, this is more complex than one rule. Liability and alimony time are based on the following factors:
- The poor’s capacity to self-perform.
- The extent to which their work had been subject to domestic commitments when married.
- Your standard of living and the length of marriage.
- Age and fitness of both spouses.
Even a successful husband married to a stay-at-home parent for decades would be paying child support. However, for those under 5 years of marriage, alimony may not be considered when both parties are employed. Don’t guess – ask your attorney.
9. "One Lawyer Can Get The Ball Out Of Your Court"
Couples feel like one lawyer does the job, and it saves money. In theory, this is fine—one unbiased lawyer handles everything rather than each spouse having their own lawyer.
However, a divorce lawyer who acts on both sides of the court case is deemed an ethical misdemeanor. Even a friendly division can involve potentially conflicting interests regarding money and children.
A lawyer can only represent one client at a time. To represent both of you in the face of a conflict of interest is unprofessional for an attorney.
If you have independent counsel, you can ensure that each spouse knows their rights and priorities before making decisions. When you can rely on just one attorney, you must take more crucial steps.
While it’s inexpensive to give away advice, it can prove fatal in limiting each individual’s protection. Buy a lawyer 100% in your best interest so you have every foot on the ground.
10. ‘Once You File, You’re Divorced.’
And finally, many assume that when you give the court your divorce papers, that’s it – single again! Just complete the paperwork and have a party with your new legal-single status.
If that were so, divorce filing for divorce would initiate the process, but obtaining a final order would take months (or more) if your case is very complicated.
Why the waiting time after submission? For a few reasons:
- Asset sharing and support can be slow and bouncing.
- Child support and childcare must be worked out, if necessary.
- Court proceedings might be necessary to settle complex cases.
- Divorce waiting periods that some states have in place before granting a divorce.
- Supreme judgments must be judged and made public.
Filing is just the beginning; it will take some time before you get to the actual finish line – the final divorce decree. Don’t confuse filing with single status.
Disclaimer:
The content provided on this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not intended to constitute legal advice. Laws and regulations are complex, frequently subject to change, and may vary depending on jurisdiction. As such, readers should not act upon or rely on any information presented on this blog without first consulting with a qualified and licensed attorney who can address and tailor guidance to your unique legal circumstances.
