It becomes an all-out legal battle when you and your spouse can't agree on significant issues like money, property, and kids. Every detail of your life gets dissected and fought over. It's messy, painful, and so draining.
I won't sugarcoat it—a contested divorce is one of the toughest experiences you'll ever endure. But you can get through this. Educate yourself on the process, build up your support squad, prioritize self-care, and arm yourself with the tools to weather this storm.
This guide covers all the bases in preparing for a contested divorce. Getting ready won't make it stress-free, but it will empower you to handle the challenges ahead.
Let's dive in.
#1 Find the Right Attorney
Choosing the right divorce lawyer is the most critical move you'll make. This attorney has your back through the convoluted legal process. They know every trick in the book to secure the most favorable outcome.
Look for these traits in potential attorneys:
- Specializes specifically in high-conflict divorces. General practitioners often need more skills.
- Wins verdicts in cases similar to yours. Look for real experience.
- Negotiates strongly while picking battles wisely. You want an aggressive pit bull!
- Argues confidently in court if you do end up in litigation.
- Responds to every call and email. You need hand-holding.
- It makes you feel heard, respected and cared for. Divorce is so personal.
Trust your gut. The attorney-client relationship needs intimacy, empathy, and chemistry. Don't settle for one who treats this like just another day at the office.
Top attorneys are in demand. Expect to pay retainers starting around $5,000 or more. It stings upfront, but it is so worth it in the long term. Don't let money alone drive your choice.
#2 Gather Every Financial Record
Finances are what people battle over most fiercely in divorce. So, gathering documents to determine who gets what is critical. You need to provide:
- Federal and state tax returns for the past 5+ years
- Pay stubs showing all sources of income
- Documentation of bonuses, commissions, stock options, etc.
- Statements for every single bank and investment account
- Credit card statements showing balances
- Mortgage statements, car loans, student loans, personal debts
- Business tax returns if you or your spouse owns a company
- Receipts for major purchases like jewelry, art, boats, etc.
- Records of inheritances or personal gifts received
Make copies of everything and store them digitally. Financial records build your case for who should get what. Don't hide or destroy documents even if they hurt you. That will backfire later. Honesty and transparency are essential.
#3 Evaluate Living Arrangements
If you're currently living together, one person in the divorce must make temporary living arrangements asap. Even if one person moves out, big unanswered questions remain:
- Who gets to stay in the family home? Can you afford to keep it?
- How will kids transition between two new homes? Is shared custody possible?
- Who gets the pets? Can they be responsibly shared?
- Should the new homes be close together or further apart?
Talk over options thoroughly with your attorney. Courts can impose orders on home use, restraining orders if there's been abuse and other protections. Wait to move out or make significant changes before getting advice.
If no urgent safety issues exist, keeping consistency for kids should be priority number one. If possible, keep them in the family home and school district until longer-term custody plans shake out. The court will look closely at how changes affect child welfare.
#4 Brace For Child Custody Fights
When kids are involved, emotions and tensions run highest around custody. Both parents dig in, believing wholeheartedly that the children belong with them. But courts must follow the letter of the law based on what's truly best for the child.
Start assembling the most robust case possible:
- Document day-to-day caregiving, doctor visits, and teacher meetings showing you're an involved parent.
- Outline your ideal custody schedule covering time division, holidays, and transportation logistics.
- Get written statements from teachers, doctors, friends/family attesting to your parenting.
- Communicate respectfully with your ex about the kids. No alienating behavior.
- Have kids meet with a counselor confidentially to share their preferences and feelings.
A custody evaluator may be appointed to interview all parties. Be cooperative and reasonable in this process. Their recommendations heavily influence the judge's ruling.
Above all else, shield children from conflict. Never use them as pawns to "win" at divorce. Their emotional health must be protected first and foremost.
Can Mediation Help Resolve Disputes?
Mediation provides an alternative to duking it out endlessly in court. An impartial, third-party mediator helps you and your spouse negotiate critical disputes. The significant upsides are:
- Maintaining control over the outcome rather than putting your fate in a judge's hands
- Saving so much time and money compared to litigation
- Reducing hostility by focusing you both on compromise versus fighting
Mediation can resolve some or all issues before reaching the trial stage. It often succeeds once you both realize court battles get you nowhere. Many states now order mediation first.
Come ready to listen, articulate your priorities, and find a workable middle ground. Even if a complete agreement isn't reached, mediation helps identify areas of consensus and narrows the disputed points.
Don't rule it out. Even if mediation fails, you have little to lose by trying it.
#5 Document Every Interaction
When divorce turns adversarial, everything you do or say becomes potential ammunition. So keep meticulous records of every discussion, text, email, and conversation with your soon-to-be-ex. Document:
- Dates, times, what was discussed, and tone of interactions
- Threats, harassment, abuse (get restraining orders if needed)
- Refusing to pay bills, hiding money, unauthorized spending
- Ignoring the kids, violating custody agreements
- Drug/alcohol issues that endanger the kids
Sadly, divorce sometimes brings out the worst in people. Your careful notes demonstrate misconduct patterns and protect your rights.
And, of course, avoid making threats or hostility yourself. Vent to a counselor or friend privately, not through direct attacks. Take the high ground.
#6 Prioritizing Your Health Comes First
There's no way around it - a contested divorce may overwhelm you emotionally and mentally. Caring for yourself needs to be priority #1:
- Lean on trusted friends and family to talk through intense feelings of anger, fear, and hurt.
- See a counselor to process the immense grief and upheaval. Having an impartial therapist helps enormously.
- Keep up healthy habits like sleep, nutrition, and exercise to reduce anxiety and depression. Don't stop self-care.
- Journal your deepest thoughts and emotions. Writing is very cathartic.
- Avoid destructive coping mechanisms like excess drinking or drugs. It would help if you had a clear head.
Be extra gentle with yourself right now. It's normal to feel off-kilter. Reach out for support - don't weather this storm alone. You will come out the other side stronger.
#7 Caution on Social Media
Social media often spirals out of control during divorce. That angry tweet about your ex or wild Instagram story from last night might feel good in the short term. But it can and will resurface later to bite you.
- Avoid venting about the divorce at all on social channels. Assume it will become a public record.
- Review and tighten up security and privacy settings on all your accounts.
- Be aware that even if you're careful, friends may still tag you or share your posts without consent.
- If you need to vent, set up an anonymous account that is not linked to you. But this still carries some risk.
Lay low on social media to protect your privacy. The less documented, the better. Severely limit usage if it provokes poor judgment during this rocky period.
#8 Map Out Your New Financial Life
Divorce almost always reduces household income and net worth, at least temporarily. Be prepared to live more modestly, especially if you were a stay-at-home parent or earned significantly less than your partner.
- Review your proposed settlement to understand all sources of financial support. Tally up child support, alimony, and divided assets.
- If needed, have your lawyer petition the court for temporary support to cover bills until the divorce is finalized.
- Make a detailed budget projecting housing, kids' expenses, insurance, utilities, transportation, and groceries. Map your new financial landscape 1-2 years out.
- Brainstorm ways to increase your earnings through education, job changes, starting a business, or acquiring new skills.
- Consult a financial advisor to maximize investments, retirement accounts, and college savings in the settlement. Understand how to make your money work best post-divorce.
Building future income and assets will require serious effort and discipline post-divorce. But mapping out a realistic budget and financial plan puts you back in the driver's seat—knowledge and preparation fuel empowerment.
#9 Trying to Stay Patient When It Drags On
The divorce process is notorious for moving slowly. When delays or setbacks arise, feelings of frustration and helplessness set in quickly. Anger and bitterness are totally normal reactions, but don't let them control your actions.
- Avoid knee-jerk responses to new developments in your case. Talk to your lawyer before reacting.
- Do healthy activities like exercise or hobbies whenever emotions run high, just to hit the reset button.
- Let it outcry, scream, journal, or try meditation to release negativity safely. Just don't take it out directly on your ex.
- Trust your attorney's guidance and the legal process even when it seems endless.
- Visualize the calm, happy life awaiting you after divorce. This painful chapter will end.
With so much uncertainty swirling around the future, anxiety may periodically take hold. This is normal, but do your best to maintain hope and perspective. Tough times won't last forever.
#10 Protecting Your Relationship with Kids
The impact of divorce on kids can't be minimized. They often feel confused, hurt, and caught in the middle. Make preserving your bond with them priority #1:
- Constantly reassure them that the conflict is between you and your ex - not them. They are loved.
- Never vent frustration or criticize your ex in front of them. Take the high road.
- Spend quality one-on-one time providing comfort through routines kids find stabilizing.
- Please encourage them to open up to a counselor about feelings of loss, anger, and fear. Support their healing.
- Ask about their preferences on custody arrangements, but avoid pressuring them to "take sides."
Children need extra patience, care, and sensitivity right now. Manage your stress and hurt privately. Remain their reliable rock as their world transforms overnight.
Final Thoughts
A strong support network acts as a lifeline when the divorce pain feels unbearable. Draw strength and comfort from:
- You can confide in family and friends entirely without judgment. Cry, vent, lean on them.
- Divorce support groups to connect with others walking this excruciating path with you.
- Clergy or spiritual leaders to nourish your faith and values.
- Counselors or therapists are here to help you safely process complex emotions.
Don't let shame or isolation compound your anguish. You have a whole army of people who want to lift you up.
Accept help, support, and encouragement without hesitation.
Disclaimer:
The content provided on this blog is for general informational purposes only and is not intended to constitute legal advice. Laws and regulations are complex, frequently subject to change, and may vary depending on jurisdiction. As such, readers should not act upon or rely on any information presented on this blog without first consulting with a qualified and licensed attorney who can address and tailor guidance to your unique legal circumstances.
